WHY ME?!

I went in to school again the other day. As I walked into my principals office, the words I heard were, "Wipe that smile off your face Ms. G. You won't be grinning for long after you hear the news I just got."

Less than a week before the beginning of a new school year and my principal got e-mail... "We have made the decision to change the Behavior Disorders Program in the Newark Public Schools. Your school will no longer be hosting a 7th and 8th grade therapeutic ED/BD program. It has come to our attention that you had intended on Ms. G to teach that class but we will be placing her in a 4th and 5th grade ED/BD program which we will be moving to your school."

Yes, my principal got an e-mail that tells her that I have been assigned to teach the one thing that I absolutely DO NOT want to teach again!! The only reason that I decided that I could stay and teach another year was because they were changing the program and I was going to have the opportunity to teach a 7th/8th grade class. My principal fought for me... she showed me the e-mails, but it seems that no-one that actually has any contact with teachers or students makes the decisions that affect all of us.

I spoke with both my principal and VP and they both agreed that after observing me teach for the past 2 years that I am a much better teacher for upper grades, and that the places that I struggle the most and bring the most gain in my students has been with my youngest students... yet we have already filled all of the middle school positions, and there is nothing that they can do except place me in a 4th/5th ED/BD program. ARG! This is so frustrating.

I told my principal that I planned on contacting the Office of Special Education about this decision, and she encouraged me, but said, "Please, be professional"
A little confused I responded, "Of course, why wouldn't I be professional? I think that considering the circumstances you just presented me with I have handles this situation really well."
"Just don't use any expletives, okay?"
"What do you mean, I've held my tongue when I've been speaking with you," I reminded her.
"Well, you have, but even though a single curse hasn't come out of your mouth during this conversation, the only thing that I hear from you is a line of expletives. Just be careful when you write the e-mail. I think that you need to tell them how you feel, just be professional like you always are."

She was probably right... I might as well have been cursing. I am so frustrated with this decision, and the fact that no-one that knows anything about our school or our kids, teachers, or the way things ACTUALLY run makes the decisions. I do not shine as a 4th/5ht grade teacher! I know that I can do it. I can show up everyday to work and do my job and teach kids what they need to know from the core curriculum content standards, and try my best to keep their behavior under control. I know that this is something that I CAN DO. The thing is, ANYONE can just show up to work and do their job, I want to be able to go to work everyday and do something extraordinary. I want to do my job exceptionally well, and I want to be able to enjoy it. I don't want to have a bunch or 4th graders starting at me like they don't understand what's going on, because I just don't quite know how to communicate with 8 and 9 year-olds. AHHHH!!
I don't know if I can do this for another year. Tomorrow is the first teacher in-service of the year, and I get my 12 new 4th and 5th grade BD kids on Thursday... I think I might cry.

Discouraged...

okay, I know I said good days, but ever since that post I have been holding out to write anything hoping that I was right, and that things were going to go as well as I had promised myself... but despite my best efforts, things aren't going well.

I have come to a point where I have almost certainly resigned myself to not teaching again next year. I am on board and committed to my students through the end of the year, but in the past few days I have decided that I am comprimising my mental health for my job, and while that can be maintained for the 2 year commitment that I signed up for when I took the position, I am not sure that I will be able to remain sane for a whole new year. I have tried everything that I know to do, taken reccomendations, changed everything I know how. I have even takedn a second job, which is the complete opposite of teaching, and while this occupies more of the time that I don't have, it also keeps my mind fresh and renewed from allowing myself to think about things that are not at all related to teaching. Still, being a 2nd year BD teacher is weighing down on me.

I don't mean to be discouraging, but I just feel that teaching has gotten to a point for me where I feel that I can't actaully impact the lives of my students in the ways that I need to in order to make a difference. By all of this, I do not mean to say that "giving up on teaching" is in any means an answer... but by the same recourse, I also cannot give up on my sanity before finding a job that will suite both me and the population that I serve.

Now I feel as though this is getting to be too deep of an entry for my mindset tonight, but for all of you out there, if you have words of wisdom, I am asking for them now. I need to ensure that I will at the very least make it through the school year.

Standardized Testing Take 1

Today was the final day of NJASK6.

Monday went well, it was a 2 part literacy selection. The first segment was a persuasive writing piece, which I must say that my kids kicked ass on... then a reading selection- informational text followed by multiple choice and open-ended questions. My kids weren't rockin' that quite to the same extreme, but considering it was a 6th grade selection, and my students are performing at about a 3.5 grade level, they did pretty well, if I do say-so myself. Overall time testing was about 135 minutes, with one break in the middle. I was so proud I wanted to cry.

Tuesday began the excruciating painfulness of the testing experience... a 3 part literacy selection; first reading, then another persuasive writing piece, then reading again. Total testing time was 225 min with 2 breaks in between. HELL. The first reading piece went okay, again, their levels are much lower then the reading they are required to do, but overall they used the strategies they have been learning all year, and did their best. By the time they got to the writing prompt they had used up every last ounce of energy they had left on focusing to read something way over their heads and began to feel frustrated. Still, they did well, and wrote convincing essays to the hypothetical principal who is continually infringing on their rights. (Inevitably this is the topic of every persuasive writing piece any child in New Jersey is required to write for any and all state assessments.) Then, when we had to return to the reading selection, which was no doubt racist and slanted, they lost control. Jerry began peeling off tiny slivers of paper from his test book to ball up and throw at Ray. Of course Ray was so busy telling the new kid that his momma was a "crack-baby" that he couldn't figure out what kept hitting him in the back of the head. I ended up having to have the principal come up and help babysit for the last 50 minutes of that testing round.

[I have to put in just a quick blurb about the how unfair these test are... 1. my special ed students are asked to perform just as well as their regular ed peers on the same test, even though they are classified because they are unable to perform on grade-level. 2. These high-staked tests are long, and unbearable even for people with a lot of patience, like myself. 3. These tests are manufactured to put white suburban kids at an advantage, and I refuse to back down from that position. For example... in the reading piece about a mountain climber, when they described how the climber felt, there was a quote that read, "I'm psyched" and a footnote that described that "psyched" is a term used to describe a feeling of excitement. This was the only footnote used in the text. My students use the word "psyched" all the time. They are always "psyched" about something. However, my students have never seen a mountain. They have never been climbing, or even seen a climbing wall because they have never left Newark, NJ. My students have never seen a harness, or even heard of one, let alone a clamp or a caribeaner, or any other tool that is used for climbing, yet they are supposed to "infer from the text" what all those things are when the little white 6th grader sitting up in Suburban Elite White School gets a definition for the word "psyched"? The tests are unfair. 4. there are 10 billion better ways to test student growth and school achievement, but standardized testing is not one of them.]

Then there was today; the math section. 213 minutes worth of testing broken into 3 sections that get progressively harder. From the start my students were dragging. They were not happy about a third day of testing, and overwhelmingly aware that they had missed their specials classes (art, gym, etc) for 2 days now. Needless to say, they were very unhappy about the circumstances, couldn't focus on the test, and did not do their best. This was not because they didn't know how to do the math, or at least most of the math, but rather because they were stressed and frustrated, and tired of testing.

I hated today. I was so exhausted I wanted to cry. I am glad it is over. I am glad that I get to go back to teaching tomorrow rather than being a "chief examiner" for a test I don't believe in and happen to have moral qualms about. I am proud that my kids made it through these last few painful days, and even though I can honestly say they didn't do their best today, I think that I can also honestly say that considering what this testing is, they DID do their best for the unrealistic expectations put forth by the state.

I am a teacher that refuses to lower my expectations for my students, but when I set those expectations, I always set them making sure that I am not setting up my students to fail. I think that No Child Left Behind, and the States seriously need to think about what they are doing when they set forth unrealistic goals for students who could succeed if we would just give them the chance.

I have 2 days of being a teacher again and then I have to go back to "Chief examiner" for next week, when we will be testing Monday - Friday for NJASk4&5, so I will undoubtedly be back on this thing ranting about the horrible tests they force me to administer.

Jay's got a Knife

Today started just like every other day this week- hell. I was late because the lady I drive to work in the mornings was late, so when she’s late to meet me, I’m late to get to work. Lucky for me, the snow caused everything to be running late, so the buses were, of course, late. As my students started trickling in, I could tell that the walk through Little Bricks last night to talk to Nadia’s grandma had been worth my time. She was going to have a good day. Tyler was going to do her best, Jack was going to need a little refocusing, Sean was a hellian and Ricky was not feeling well, and in his own words “just not in the mood.” Jerry didn’t show when his bus got here, and Tally wasn’t in yet either. Jay was, like usual, trying his hardest to have a conflict with anyone that would drop their guard just for a second.

I noticed immediately that Jay was up to something. He was acting sneaky. He was pulling our newest student Jack over to the side to make an ally. My aide noticed something was up to when Jack said to her “I’m not getting involved with all that,” but then refused to say what “all that” was. I saw Jay slide something into his desk, and huddled other students around him to show what was going on. At this point, I didn’t want to make too much of a fuss about anything, I needed to find out what was going on.

Without actually knowing what was happening, I started to write up the incident report. I didn’t know what was going on, but it didn’t feel right, Jay was disrupting the learning in the classroom, wouldn’t do his work, couldn’t stay seated, and wasn’t his usual talk-back self. He was a whisperer. Quiet and sly. As I sat at my desk, filling out the form when Ray quickly came to my desk, almost looking away from me and said in a low, timid voice, “Ms. G, Jay’s got a knife. I think he’s gonna’ use it,” and then walked away as if he hadn’t said a word. I knew immediately that Ray was right. I wrote it into the incident report, and tried my best to keep the rest of the class calm. By this point most of them had seen the weapon, and now that Jay knew he was busted, all he was focused on was finding out who the “snitch” was. He walked around the room cursing at all the new students, he yelled at Nadia, “I’m gonna’ put you in stitches, just like them bitches!” I told my aide what was going on and had her walk Jay to the main office.

When they were gone my students started talking. Jay also had a fake gun (very realistic) in his desk. He told the others that he brought it to threaten Jerry. I was just thankful that Jerry wasn’t here today. I had the fake gun sent to the office. The police came and searched Jay to find that he not only had the fake gun, but he also had a 5 inch switch blade open in his pants pocket, and an empty clip from a real pistol. The police arrested him, took him out to their car in handcuffs. The most the school can do apparently is a 4 day suspension. (This can't actually be possible, right? Four days is just enough time to stew over the events that happened and want to really hurt someone...)

They will probably have a hearing to see what else they can do, because through the whole thing Jay was threatening people, and continued to say that he was just trying to protect himself. Jay’s mom said that the blade came from her fiancé, and that last night it was on the bed, and then they couldn’t find it this morning. Since Jay claimed that Jerry had been the one he was after, and then continued to insist that he Jerry had threatened him first, he will be searched each morning before he is admitted to class.

That's all I have to say right now...

I hate my job...

Incase any of you were wondering... I hate my job. I hate that I have a practically new set of kids and almost nothing to work with. I hate that my students don't want to learn anymore, and I hate all the bueracratic BS that makes it so that all the BD kids in the district are being shuffled into my classroom at the same time. I hate that I had an observation today, and that I didn't get to teach any of my academic lessons because behavior was so bad. I hate that I have to send home nightly behavior reports, and I hate myself for not having the energy to call parents tonight.

I hate that I don't feel stable enough to get my life back in control, and that I am getting myself so upset about school that I haven't really been dealing with my personal issues for the past few months. Mostly though, today I just hate my job.

This is what it feels like to fall...

4 of my 7 student are suspended. 1 was hospitalized. Bad Wolves are falling apart.

Wednesday of last week both Jerry and Ricky were suspended for bullying issues. It was a long time coming, and I guess the stack of incident reports just got so high that they decided it was finally time to do something about it. I don't want to get too far off track by complaining about my administration and their lax policies, but as I’m sure most of you can imagine, the office doesn’t want to deal with negative behaviors any more than the teachers want to deal with a bunch of BS paperwork.

It just so happens that Wednesday was also the day my cell phone was stolen off my desk in my classroom. The student whom we suspect took the phone also cleared his parents phone numbers from my aide's cell phone-- leading me to believe that he took mine to delete the phone numbers, with intentions to return it-- but never got the chance to give it back because on the way back from the restroom he was scooted down to the office and then suspended-- but again, for the sake of not going on too much about things I could ramble about all day, I won't go into detail about the overwhelming disappointment I felt when I learned that one of MY students stole my phone.

Thursday Ricky showed up to school even though he was suspended. They held him in the office for the first half-hour of the day, and then sent him up to class with a pass. As soon as he got in the room he body slammed Tay for "telling" on him and saying that he felt bullied. As you can imagine, this was not an easy day for us, and Ricky took free reign in the classroom, claiming every time he did something he new was a bad decision “I can do whatever I want. I don’t even have to be here. I’m suspended, remember?”

Friday Ricky showed up again. They didn't even try to hold him in the office-- they just sent him up… apparently they had things to deal with in the office- as if I come to school to baby-sit, and not teach. Then all hell broke loose in the classroom. All of my students were frustrated, and I think that they saw Ricky's defiance as reassurance that they could get away with anything they wanted.

Friday was hell. I couldn't get a word in... when I went to speak they screamed over me. When I went to write on the chalkboard they would run out of the classroom, claiming that they didn’t have to work. When I tried to do anything at all they did everything in their power to prevent it, and they wouldn’t even let me show them what I was trying to do. It wasn’t even that they didn’t want to learn. Sometimes they don’t want to hear what I have to say, but if information gets in, they are okay with that, and they walk away with something. On Friday, they wouldn’t even allow that to happen. They wouldn’t allow information to even seep in, because they wouldn’t let it get out of me at all. At one point I stopped talking all together. I almost lost my mind on Friday.

Then the principal suspended Jay and Ray. She didn't want to deal with it anymore either.

After school on Friday I had my big breakdown. It was my big moment of "I can't do this", "I'm a failure" and "I don't know how." That's when the night custodian walked in on me. I was beat-red and crying like an infant. He didn't say much, but I asked him to help me re-arrange my room. I figured if something was going to change, everything was going to have to change.

Today when I got to school Jay was there, even though he was supposed to be suspended. I think that he was just testing to see if he could get away with what Ricky got away with. It would've worked too, because when I told the office that he was there, they started to send him upstairs. Then he made the mistake of laughing and calling the principal a b*tch under his breath. They kept him in the office the rest of the day.

That incident left me with 3 students. Then Tally had his big moment. He went completely out of control and started threatening to take his own life. He went so far as to try to throw himself off the railing on the 4th floor stairwell. (This is another point in my rant in which I could go on for days, because this is not the first such incident this year with Tally, but again, this entry has too much already, and I’ll try to address the suicidal tendencies of some of my students in another rant another time.) We had to send Tally to the hospital. That is the first time this year that I've had to send a kid out for crisis treatment at the hospital. Last year I had police and ambulances quite a bit, but this was a first for the Bad Wolves. That incident left me with 2 students. The 3 of us had a good day and got all of our work done, but somehow I still have a hard time seeing today as any sort of success.

The room change is good I think. It's a start. They seemed a little taken aback when they saw it, they didn't know what to do-- it's like they froze in the doorway. Then they settled in. I think they know that it is time for some change in the classroom. I am going to introduce a new behavior mod. chart when they all start returning from their suspensions. I am doing everything I can think of to get things back in order. I am going to be cold for a little while towards them. I am not the type of teacher that believes that you can be unemotional to kids that NEED you emotionally... but I think that for a while I am going to have to try to be a warden and hold back all the emotions I want them to share and to see.

Ahhhh!
This week is going to be good. It has to be. They will start coming back slowly and the students that I have now will be accustomed to the new way the class runs, and then those that come into the class will either go along with the behaviors or I will have to send them out. I hate taking this attitude towards teaching, but things NEED to change. When we returned from winter break things didn't fall back into place the way they were before break, and now is my chance to pick up where we were and get Bad Wolves spirit in the classroom again. I have hope-- it's just that I have to keep convincing myself that it's there.

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Today was hell

My students were off the wall, disrespectful, and generally mean all day. It's not that it bothers me all that much if they're mean to me, I don't like then that happens, but it happens and I expect it. What I never get over is that they don't seem to CARE about anything or anyone, therefore they are mean to everyone they encounter.

They act like they are a forgotten generation, and the only way anyone will remember them is if they blind people with spite. As it turns out, I am struggling my hardest to show them that they are not forgotten, and that I care about them... but they just don't seem to understand that THEIR own behavior affects the way their day will be. When they come to school screaming obscenities at the bus-driver because it makes the kid next to them laugh, they don't get that it will get them in trouble, and then they will be in a bad mood, and begin to exhibit the bad behavior that they CAN'T control. ARG.

I thought we were making incredible progress already... but then on days like today it seems like the Bad Wolves are just that-- BAD.