3rd Graders Plot to kill Teacher

I recieved this text from a close friend yesterday: "Did you hear about the BD 3rd grade class in GA that plotted to kill their teacher? 9 students involved."

"Woah!- April fools?" I responded, thinking it was a cruel trick to pull.

"No! For real!"

I looked it up, it really happened. (Click on the title above to read a news article.) A class of special needs 3rd graders in Georgia came up with an elaborate plot to kill their teacher after she yelled at one of them. I have to say that this news really freaked me out, and while I'm currently writing about it, I am crossing my fingers that it doesn't get turned in to a huge national news story and give any other students ideas...

I could rant now for pages and pages about how things like this come to be, and what the teacher and administration should have and could have done; but the truth is, it scared me because while I am shocked to hear of this plot, I am not at all surprised. Our system is failing our children, and as a hard-working, dedicated BD teacher, I know that I am doing my best and that it simply is not enough.

WHY ME?!

I went in to school again the other day. As I walked into my principals office, the words I heard were, "Wipe that smile off your face Ms. G. You won't be grinning for long after you hear the news I just got."

Less than a week before the beginning of a new school year and my principal got e-mail... "We have made the decision to change the Behavior Disorders Program in the Newark Public Schools. Your school will no longer be hosting a 7th and 8th grade therapeutic ED/BD program. It has come to our attention that you had intended on Ms. G to teach that class but we will be placing her in a 4th and 5th grade ED/BD program which we will be moving to your school."

Yes, my principal got an e-mail that tells her that I have been assigned to teach the one thing that I absolutely DO NOT want to teach again!! The only reason that I decided that I could stay and teach another year was because they were changing the program and I was going to have the opportunity to teach a 7th/8th grade class. My principal fought for me... she showed me the e-mails, but it seems that no-one that actually has any contact with teachers or students makes the decisions that affect all of us.

I spoke with both my principal and VP and they both agreed that after observing me teach for the past 2 years that I am a much better teacher for upper grades, and that the places that I struggle the most and bring the most gain in my students has been with my youngest students... yet we have already filled all of the middle school positions, and there is nothing that they can do except place me in a 4th/5th ED/BD program. ARG! This is so frustrating.

I told my principal that I planned on contacting the Office of Special Education about this decision, and she encouraged me, but said, "Please, be professional"
A little confused I responded, "Of course, why wouldn't I be professional? I think that considering the circumstances you just presented me with I have handles this situation really well."
"Just don't use any expletives, okay?"
"What do you mean, I've held my tongue when I've been speaking with you," I reminded her.
"Well, you have, but even though a single curse hasn't come out of your mouth during this conversation, the only thing that I hear from you is a line of expletives. Just be careful when you write the e-mail. I think that you need to tell them how you feel, just be professional like you always are."

She was probably right... I might as well have been cursing. I am so frustrated with this decision, and the fact that no-one that knows anything about our school or our kids, teachers, or the way things ACTUALLY run makes the decisions. I do not shine as a 4th/5ht grade teacher! I know that I can do it. I can show up everyday to work and do my job and teach kids what they need to know from the core curriculum content standards, and try my best to keep their behavior under control. I know that this is something that I CAN DO. The thing is, ANYONE can just show up to work and do their job, I want to be able to go to work everyday and do something extraordinary. I want to do my job exceptionally well, and I want to be able to enjoy it. I don't want to have a bunch or 4th graders starting at me like they don't understand what's going on, because I just don't quite know how to communicate with 8 and 9 year-olds. AHHHH!!
I don't know if I can do this for another year. Tomorrow is the first teacher in-service of the year, and I get my 12 new 4th and 5th grade BD kids on Thursday... I think I might cry.

Starting yet another school year...

So, here we go. I have spent the last couple days getting ready for school again. Last week I went to literacy workshops focused on how to make middle schoolers readers, and this week I have been setting up my classroom in preparation for the new school year. I will be switching things up a little this year, as I will have significantly older students, (7th and 8th grade), but I will still be teaching the BD classification.

As our school previously only housed students through 6th grade, a lot around the school and curriculum is changing. One such change is that all the other 7th and 8th grade classrooms got new furniture that is suitable for the age... but my room still has the 4th grade furniture that I was using last year. A little disheartening, but not at all surprising. My students would just ruin anything nice we were given anyway, right?

Although I am not excited to go back to teach another year, I am getting anxious to see a class list and see my students again. For many of them, this will be their 3rd consecutive year with me as their teacher. And even some of the 8th graders I might get could be students I had my first year teaching when they were in 6th grade... I guess only time will tell. Wish me luck!

2nd Annual Carrot Day!

So... that 3 day streak has extended itself into a few good weeks. This is a rare occurance, but things are going well... so well indeed that I allowed my students to celebrate their 2nd Annual Carrot Day.

This is an event that we have been looking forward to all year, so excitement has been buzzing all week. We started the day with plotting carrots onto ccordinate grids and figuring out the plot of each point of the carrot, from there we found the comparative and subjugative forms of adverbs in sentences relating to Ms. G winning the Carrot Competition, and once finished, we began the big eat-off.

We are on a break from eating carrots right now, so that the kids can attend their music class and go to lunch, but before they left, Ricky was in the lead at 8 full carrots in just over 1 hour. I on the other hand, have only eaten 4 and feel a little sick to my stomach, but I'm closer to the norm, tied with Jerry and just behind Tyler who has eaten 5 carrots. Nadia and Tay have both forfitted already, but all seem to still be enjoying this orange-themed day.

3 day streak...

Amidst the sweltering heat of our 4th floor classroom, and the stinky pits of mostly adolescent boys, the Bad Wolves are currently into the third day of a streak of learning, curiosity, and fun. It seems that we have collectively gotten a "second wind" and the motivation and positive attitudes are overwhelming me.

This is a much needed break, as many of you probably know.... so cross your fingers for me. I am worried that I am cursing myself by even mentioning the classroom atmosphere.... but I just find it so amazing that the entire demeanor of a classroom can so drastically change in a short time. Even more amazing is the way that my student soak up knowledge when they let themselves. For the past 3 days, the "cool" thing to do is learn, and the only students who haven't enjoyed the past few days of school are the ones that refuse to think for themselves. With any luck, this positive class outlook will begin to rub off on those few before it diminishes.

Yesterday I had 4 parent logs go home that started like this "___________ had a phenominal morning, a positive attitude and was motivated to learn!" I love parent logs like that...

Discouraged...

okay, I know I said good days, but ever since that post I have been holding out to write anything hoping that I was right, and that things were going to go as well as I had promised myself... but despite my best efforts, things aren't going well.

I have come to a point where I have almost certainly resigned myself to not teaching again next year. I am on board and committed to my students through the end of the year, but in the past few days I have decided that I am comprimising my mental health for my job, and while that can be maintained for the 2 year commitment that I signed up for when I took the position, I am not sure that I will be able to remain sane for a whole new year. I have tried everything that I know to do, taken reccomendations, changed everything I know how. I have even takedn a second job, which is the complete opposite of teaching, and while this occupies more of the time that I don't have, it also keeps my mind fresh and renewed from allowing myself to think about things that are not at all related to teaching. Still, being a 2nd year BD teacher is weighing down on me.

I don't mean to be discouraging, but I just feel that teaching has gotten to a point for me where I feel that I can't actaully impact the lives of my students in the ways that I need to in order to make a difference. By all of this, I do not mean to say that "giving up on teaching" is in any means an answer... but by the same recourse, I also cannot give up on my sanity before finding a job that will suite both me and the population that I serve.

Now I feel as though this is getting to be too deep of an entry for my mindset tonight, but for all of you out there, if you have words of wisdom, I am asking for them now. I need to ensure that I will at the very least make it through the school year.

Good days Ahead

Back to good times.... for now.

Although my life is chaos right now, I must admit that the teaching thing is going pretty well for the time being. Corey Booker, Newark's mayor, is coming into our school next week to be our "Principal for a Day", so we have been having daily visits from our principal, just for good measure. So far, we have had nothing but compliments. My students have been working cooperatively with one another, responding to their behavior mods, and overall following classroom rules and procedures. This is something that we have only perfected in the morning however, and we continue to show out the bad behaviors in the afternoon, after lunch (which incidentally is when the mayor will be in the school), but I think that we have made some great strides since the break. Honestly, none of this has anything to do with the mayor coming to our school, but it just happens to correspond in such a way that makes it so that the principal is even getting the chance to observe "the bad kids" behaving positively.

Don't get me wrong... we still have our issues, and I am fairly certain that this thing we have going on right now won't last through the hot weather we have coming soon, but for now it is something that we all need.

Spring Break is Over...

My kids were angels on Monday and Tuesday, and then today things flipped back again. I was hoping that the bliss of a new start after the break would help us to reconnect as a class, and Mon and Tues were promising... but today was 5 steps backwards.

We're back to threats again. One of my new students assured us all that he is going to "bring something in tomorrow to take care of all you all!" I am actually very nervous about it, and the administration did next to nothing... they're going to "check" him before school tomorrow, but my only fear is that after school might be too late. I can only immagine the things that are going through his heas to make it seem okay to do this sort of thing.

He saw a classmate with a switch blade in class, and then didn't see ramifications, because that stdent is now being home schooled, menaing that the only time my students see him anymore is when he's outside playing with his friends. Then there is the looming rumor in my room that Jerry sometimes carries a knife to school "just in case." I don't know if this is true or not, but to an extent, it doesn't matter, for the other students in the class it IS true. Then, ofcourse, there's TV, the community, and the news. I don't doubt that this student is already involved with gangs. He throws up signs left and right, talks "street" and has tremendous pride in repeating the word "bloods" whenever he's feeling perturbed. He's 9 years old. Then most recently there's the killings in Virginia. My kids heard about this, and that killer is getting so much media coverage he is like a legend already, and when my kids see that, all they can do is long for that sort of attention.

I also don't want to think about this anymore right now. I'm jst going to cross my fingers and trust that everything is going to be okay forever and ever. Anyone have any positive thoughts for me and my kids?

I told you so.

I've been saying it for a year and a half now... if we don't do something about Ricky, he's going to put a kid in the hospital. I said those exact words as recently as this Monday infact, but no one listens to the teacher because no one else has any answers, and since avoiding problems usually works, that seems to be the tactic that has until today been taken with Ricky. Today, Ricky attacked a kid so bad that he had to be sent to the hospital.

Unprovolked, Ricky attacked a messenger from another class in the eye, repeatedly until I was able to pry them apart. I want to make it known that this is not the type of moment when I feel like screaming "I told you so!", but then I know that I've been telling the Child Study Team, the schools part-time psychologist, Rickys case manager, the administration and his parents for months that Jay was a danger, and then he brought a knife to school... and today, Ricky hurt a kid so bad he was sent to the hospital to get the skin around his eye sewn back on.

I am not going to add any commentary or anything... but I am posting the incident report that accompanied the attack... as always, I changed names, but all the events are the same. I guess I could talk about the situation for a long time, I have a lot of theories as to whhy Ricky did all of this so unprovolked...

Incident Report

Students involved: B.J.
Ricky

Date: March 30, 2007

Location: Room 4-- Time : 1:45pm

Reporting teacher: Ms. G----------

Incident:

Soon after lunch time there was a knock on the classroom door. I answered the door and let B.J. in the room to deliver a note from his teacher, Ms. J. J------. B.J. stood and waited for me to reply to the letter and began talking to one of my students, Tyler . At that time S------ made a comment to B.J. that I did not hear, but noticed that it upset him. My tudents were asking him about a fight that he had gotten into a few days prior. They wanted to hear the "details", but B.J. didn't want to talk about it. S----- and B.J. started to play fight, but not physically because they were not close enough. I asked S---- to be seated, but at that time he made a move as if to attack B.J. , and then the situation became more loud.

At this time, Ricky became very upset and stood up from his seat at the back of the room. He quickly ran towards B.J. , knocking over desks on his way. Ricky approached B.J. from behind, grabbing both of his shoulders and turning B.J.s body towards him, but B.J. automatically grabbed at Ricky, grasping at his shirt. At this point Ricky yelled "Get the fuck off my shirt, man" and started to physically attack B.J. Ricardo repeatedly punched Brandon in the head and face as Ms. C---- and I tried talked to the boys and tried to separate them.

B.J. was trying to cover his head at the same time as he refused to let go of Ricky’s shirt. It was as if B.J. froze, he seemed to be unable to let go of the shirt. However, Ricky refused to stop punching until B.J. would let go of him. I was standing behind Ricky, holding his shoulders, trying to keep him as far away from B.J. as possible, and although he was unable to make full contact with his punches, each time he swung he was hitting B.J. in the face and head.

I counted to three and called “break,” (a tactic I always use in my classroom to break up fights), but B.J. did not let go, so even though Ricky stopped punching for a few seconds, he continued once he saw that B.J. was not following the rules of a "break." Ricky began punching again, yelling for B.J. to let go of his shirt, repeatedly hitting B.J. in the right eye, because the rest of B.J.s face was mostly blocked by the way he was crouched holding himself as far away from Ricky as possible without letting go of his shirt. I was then able to pry Ricky’s shirt out of B.J’s hand, and as soon as Brandon felt that he had been "released," and he ran out of the classroom. I could see that B.J. had been seriously injured, as blood was already running into his hands as he covered his eye and ran down the hallway.

I worked to calm my class as they set the chairs straight. Ricky told the class that he was glad that he had punched him and wished that he had hurt him worse for pulling on his shirt and makin it wrinkled. Ricky then went right back to his seat to do his work, very casually, as if nothing had happened. When I asked him whey he attacked B.J. , he said that it was because he had pulled on his shirt, but then realized that the fight started before that and did not answer any other questions. I did not call security because I felt that anything that might have set Ricky off more would have put B.J. and possibly other children in the classroom in more danger. I instead waited for security to come to my room realizing that B.J. would return to his classroom and get help from there.

About 5 minutes after the end of the incident the building principal came to my classroom and pulled Ricky out.
_______________________________

Besides what is written there the only other information I have (that is not my long winded rants about behavior mods and discipline and theraputic programs that are needed but not in place, and the ways that we are putting young minority boys into situations where they will doubtlessly fail because we are setting them up for prison instead of productive life, etc...) is that the nurse called BJs mom to pick him up to take him straight to the ER. She said that she couldn't get the bleeding in his right eye to stop, and that she wasn't sure what they could do as far as sewing him up because it was all so close to his eye. As for Ricky, he had 3 cuts on his nuckles from punching, and his knuckles were about twice the size they should be from swelling, his middle knuckle was turning black and blue from hitting so hard. He had band-aides and an ice pack, and was extremely calm when I picked him up from the nurse to take him to his bus. Most of the incident he couldn't recall. I think that he "blacked out"... he has always said that when he gets angry all he can see is blackness.

Standardized Testing Take 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5

Today was the last day of NJASK... Finally! I was testing Mon-Wed of last week for my 6th grade students, and then all week this week for 4th grade and I am just HAPPY that if is finally over!

My students have been so stressed out, and so thrown off balance from all of this that I think even they are hoping for things to go back to normal. My 6th graders haven't seen me in the morning all week, and although I give them work that is aligned with our daily routines, we all know that it just hasn't been the same. We will all be very happy to get back to our regular schedules.

I guess that is all that I have to say for now. Yesterday I was so angry that I couldn't get myself to write about testing, and today I am trying not to get angry, so I think I will just end my ramblings here. (well, one more thing I guess, to end on a positive note...) I must admit that I was slightly less frustrated by the questions and the set-up for the 4th grade tests than I felt about the 6th grade NJASK, but I still think that high stakes tests can never tell us all the miraculous things that they need to in order to ensure that "no child is left behind"...

Manifestation Determination and more...

This is an update about Jay...

Last Wednesday Jay was taken in hand-cuffs by the police down to the police station. There they decided that all charges were pending depending on the parent's next steps. His group therapist for whom he attends therapy 5 days a week, reccommended that he go directly to the ER. Mom followed through and Jay was admitted to the hospital where he had been until today when he was discharged.

The behavior analysis that was done of Jay diagnosed him as emotionally disturbed, ADHD, having post-tramatic stress disorder (PTSD), and having behavior disability.

I learned all of this at a Manifestation Determination meeting. These meetings are held anytime there is a student who needs to be suspended more than 2 times in a school year for a period exceeding 10 days. Jay had already been suspended twice this year, before the knife incident. It is assumed that anytime there is a student in a situation where they need to be suspended that much, they may be in the wrong setting, or their individualized education is being comprimised. I have been saying for months now that this is the wrong setting for Jay. He needs a more theraputic componant, with a more restrictive environment, year-round schooling, and possibly a personal aide. No one listened until now, until there was a serious possibility that someone was going to get hurt. I guess the good thing is that something is finally being done, and luckily no one did get hurt.

Anyway, at the Manifestation Determination I was able to officially request a new placement for Jay, that had the signatures of the case manager and his school psychologist from last year-- so basically that means that I had some backing behind my reccomendations.

During ths meeting I was paged to the main office by the principal. I let them know I was busy, but they still requested that I come down to speak with the principal immediately after the meeting was over. When I got down there she told me that she would be providing coverage for me for the afternoon and that I should be prepared to attend the Superintendants Hearing that would be happening to discuss and determine next steps regarding Jay's incident. This was a little shocking, but I did what I needed to do to prepare things for my students to have work to do without me in the afternoon, and then rushed over to attend the meeting.

[I did really good. I know my kids, their classifications, their IEPs in and out, (afterall, I am the main author of these IEPs) and so any question they had about anything having to do with Jay in school I had covered. After the meeting the Vice-Superintendant pulled me to the side to tell me that she was impressed with my handling of the meeting. My principal took the opportunity to show me off, "and she's only a second-year teacher" and I was then invited to a upcoming principals meeting with a focus on Special Education.]

Anyway, back to the important thing... Jay. It was determined that he was going to be suspended for an additional 5 days, during which time he will be admitted into school to do the standardized testing. I interviened at this time, saying that for his safety, and that of my other students, it may not be a good idea to put him back into my classroom this soon. Jay's mother agreed, and we made alternate arrangements for him to test at another of the public schools nearby. (I don't want to go on too much about this testing situation, because I think testing is stupid.) Then Jay has a 45 day interim education program. He has the option of attending a day-program provided by a hospital in Union, a nearby suburb of Newark, or to have in-home one-on-one instruction. After the 45 days, Jay's new IEP will take effect, and he should be placed into a new program that will better suit his needs.

I think those are pretty much all the updates I have about the Jay thing... I think most of my concerns were addressed in the Hearing. Jay's mom brought a legal advocate, which was a little intimidating. The advocate seemed to be attacking me left and right, but I felt reassured by the end of the meeting that I did do the right thing durint the incident, and also throughout the past year and a half when I have had Jay as a student. I was able to show that I have been following through wth all behavior modification plans, been in contact with his therapist, have reached out to his mother, and have put forth all efforts on my part to try to ensure the best environment for Jay.

Standardized Testing Take 1

Today was the final day of NJASK6.

Monday went well, it was a 2 part literacy selection. The first segment was a persuasive writing piece, which I must say that my kids kicked ass on... then a reading selection- informational text followed by multiple choice and open-ended questions. My kids weren't rockin' that quite to the same extreme, but considering it was a 6th grade selection, and my students are performing at about a 3.5 grade level, they did pretty well, if I do say-so myself. Overall time testing was about 135 minutes, with one break in the middle. I was so proud I wanted to cry.

Tuesday began the excruciating painfulness of the testing experience... a 3 part literacy selection; first reading, then another persuasive writing piece, then reading again. Total testing time was 225 min with 2 breaks in between. HELL. The first reading piece went okay, again, their levels are much lower then the reading they are required to do, but overall they used the strategies they have been learning all year, and did their best. By the time they got to the writing prompt they had used up every last ounce of energy they had left on focusing to read something way over their heads and began to feel frustrated. Still, they did well, and wrote convincing essays to the hypothetical principal who is continually infringing on their rights. (Inevitably this is the topic of every persuasive writing piece any child in New Jersey is required to write for any and all state assessments.) Then, when we had to return to the reading selection, which was no doubt racist and slanted, they lost control. Jerry began peeling off tiny slivers of paper from his test book to ball up and throw at Ray. Of course Ray was so busy telling the new kid that his momma was a "crack-baby" that he couldn't figure out what kept hitting him in the back of the head. I ended up having to have the principal come up and help babysit for the last 50 minutes of that testing round.

[I have to put in just a quick blurb about the how unfair these test are... 1. my special ed students are asked to perform just as well as their regular ed peers on the same test, even though they are classified because they are unable to perform on grade-level. 2. These high-staked tests are long, and unbearable even for people with a lot of patience, like myself. 3. These tests are manufactured to put white suburban kids at an advantage, and I refuse to back down from that position. For example... in the reading piece about a mountain climber, when they described how the climber felt, there was a quote that read, "I'm psyched" and a footnote that described that "psyched" is a term used to describe a feeling of excitement. This was the only footnote used in the text. My students use the word "psyched" all the time. They are always "psyched" about something. However, my students have never seen a mountain. They have never been climbing, or even seen a climbing wall because they have never left Newark, NJ. My students have never seen a harness, or even heard of one, let alone a clamp or a caribeaner, or any other tool that is used for climbing, yet they are supposed to "infer from the text" what all those things are when the little white 6th grader sitting up in Suburban Elite White School gets a definition for the word "psyched"? The tests are unfair. 4. there are 10 billion better ways to test student growth and school achievement, but standardized testing is not one of them.]

Then there was today; the math section. 213 minutes worth of testing broken into 3 sections that get progressively harder. From the start my students were dragging. They were not happy about a third day of testing, and overwhelmingly aware that they had missed their specials classes (art, gym, etc) for 2 days now. Needless to say, they were very unhappy about the circumstances, couldn't focus on the test, and did not do their best. This was not because they didn't know how to do the math, or at least most of the math, but rather because they were stressed and frustrated, and tired of testing.

I hated today. I was so exhausted I wanted to cry. I am glad it is over. I am glad that I get to go back to teaching tomorrow rather than being a "chief examiner" for a test I don't believe in and happen to have moral qualms about. I am proud that my kids made it through these last few painful days, and even though I can honestly say they didn't do their best today, I think that I can also honestly say that considering what this testing is, they DID do their best for the unrealistic expectations put forth by the state.

I am a teacher that refuses to lower my expectations for my students, but when I set those expectations, I always set them making sure that I am not setting up my students to fail. I think that No Child Left Behind, and the States seriously need to think about what they are doing when they set forth unrealistic goals for students who could succeed if we would just give them the chance.

I have 2 days of being a teacher again and then I have to go back to "Chief examiner" for next week, when we will be testing Monday - Friday for NJASk4&5, so I will undoubtedly be back on this thing ranting about the horrible tests they force me to administer.

I hate my job...

Incase any of you were wondering... I hate my job. I hate that I have a practically new set of kids and almost nothing to work with. I hate that my students don't want to learn anymore, and I hate all the bueracratic BS that makes it so that all the BD kids in the district are being shuffled into my classroom at the same time. I hate that I had an observation today, and that I didn't get to teach any of my academic lessons because behavior was so bad. I hate that I have to send home nightly behavior reports, and I hate myself for not having the energy to call parents tonight.

I hate that I don't feel stable enough to get my life back in control, and that I am getting myself so upset about school that I haven't really been dealing with my personal issues for the past few months. Mostly though, today I just hate my job.

New Students

They keep sending me new kids. It's 2 weeks away from standardized testing, and they just keep plopping them in my room. I officially have 9 students now, and by law I top off at 10 as a teacher of BD students. Two weeks ago I got a new student, last Friday I got another one, and I was told yesterday by a BD teacher at another Newark school that he just signed all the paperwork to send another kid to me.

My new ones are:

Sean, a 4th grader who is much smaller than all of my other students, but has the best social skills of any of my kids.

Then there's Nadia, another 4th grader, and a GIRL! My students don't have a lot of interactions with female students, and don't generally know how to handle those interactions when they do happen... so she's already caused a huge stir in the room, besides that puts her in competition with the only other girl in my classroom, Tyler.

And tomorrow, it is rumored that I will be getting a 6th grade boy who has been home-schooled by his Aunt for the past 6 months because he had too many conflicts to keep him in a classroom. I try my best not to be swayed by what I hear before a student arrives, but I hear what I hear.

I do not have any IEPs for my new students, nor any other pertinent information.

My room is starting to fall apart already with the two new students. Tuesday was my first REALLY bad day in a long time, and today was a staff development day, but I just hope that I can get my classroom management together enough to allow these changes to move my students forward, rather than shove them behind.

New students lead to new challenges, and I have a lot of them ahead of me.

De Colores

Jerry said "you teachers are always trying to make things colorful and make us draw pictures because you think that us special ed kids are stupid or something." in September of this school year. I had Jerry all last year for 5th grade, and he returned to me this year as a 6th grader. This is a direct quote too, because I was so intrigued that I wrote it down immediately.

I tried to explain to Jerry, and the rest of the class that I do use bright colors intentionally, but that it is actually because I think that they are VERY smart, and I think that the bright colors help them to recall information, and they can use the colors as parts of strategies for remembering and learning new things. I also explained that pictures are a really good tool to use, especially in math.

Jerry, at the time, didn't buy into it. He insisted that I thought he and his classmates were stupid.

Today I heard Jerry, (who has taken it upon himself to show our new student, a 4th grader, how things work in Bad Wolf Territory) explained that the colors around the room are coordinated to subject area, and that can help to remember what folder to look in if you get stuck on a problem on the exit ticket. Jerry explained that every day I put up 2 math problems (we have notes on that in the Red folders), then 2 literacy questions (in the blue section of the room), and then one question that will be either social studies (yellow) or science (green). Jerry described it so matter-of-factly. I could tell that he was using some of the strategies that I have been trying to teach all year.

I realize that this seems like a very simple thing to understand, but really the idea that we use color-coded binders and folders is something that has taken a long time to embed in my students. Occasionally I will still find a blue literacy notebook thrown in the red bin with the math work. The color-systems create structures for my students that they can begin to understand, and then hopefully use for categorizing their lives and their thinking.

Sometimes I hear them referring to things by the colors I use, for example, Rick was trying to remember the definition of "physics" and when Jay suggested the wrong answer, Rick said, "no, that's not right, it's the one that she wrote up in green." Brilliant, I thought.

Snow Day!

This means that I finally have enough time to sit and post some of the updates I have been wanting to share....

Nothing spectacular has been happening in my classroom, except that my kids love learning. It is almost like I have been afraid to post anything about this drastic change in classroom demeanor because I know that this could be a fleeting moment, and I don't want to jinx things.... but my kids have collectively decided that they are at school to learn.

I caught Jerry explaining to our new student the other day that "man, the day is so much better if you do what you have to do when you get here. I mean, it sucks to stay in your seat or whatever, but when you get all your points up and get good grades it's like it's worth it." This is when Jerry noticed I was listening in, and he looked up, a little embarrassed, and then said, "I'm right, right Ms. G."

"Of course you're right, Jerry."

There have been a lot of changes, and for once I happen to think that they are all adding to the success in my classroom.... Changes are hard to make happen in a BD classroom, but as I'm sure many of you know, they are often necessary. I think that the key is that even if it's not working at first, stick with it, but whatever you do, don't get rid of old routines.

I implemented a brand new Behavior Modification plan weeks ago, but last week was the first full week that it worked the way I intended for it to work. Behavior Mods can be so tiresome and time consuming. I have changed mine so many times, but I think that thing I need to keep in mind is that it WON'T work for my students if it doesn't work for ME. By this I mean that sometimes I let the plan slide a little, or ignore the chart for a few days, because it's too much work to keep up with. In that scenario, even if my kids liked the plan, it couldn't possibly work. Right now I have something simple, inexpensive, and something that I DON'T have to rely on my aides to help with.

(I am not sure how much I have mentioned the inability of my aides to be of significant and meaningful help, but I think that I shall try to post an entire entry on that sometime...)

Behaviors in my class are guided by 4 very strong factors right now, all working together to make for a positive changes, and I have a 5th back-up plan mod, that my kids are familiar with that I use only on days when I see that my students NEED extra supports in place. The 4 big factors are:

1) work chart: This is where the learning part comes in. Students get the opportunity to fill in up to 9 boxes on their chart for the work they are expected to accomplish in a day.

2) desk stickers: Students get stickers on their desk for doing the right thing. When I catch kids seated, calm, with positive behaviors geared towards learning, I simply place a sticker on their desk. My students are in competition to see who can get their desk filled up the fastest.

3) awards: On top of awards for behaviors that are tallied at the end of the week, awards for good attendance, good test scores, and doing classwork in all subject areas, etc, I give the kids daily opportunities to get recognized in the classroom. This includes getting your name on a leaf on the "Tree of Kindness", earning a handshaped cut-out on the "Helping Hands make the world go 'Round" wall, or students can work towards a "Bad Wolves Teamwork Award" if they are working cooperatively and positively with one another.

4) daily parent logs: I have these down to an art form. I made a check-sheet with the most common behaviors seen in my classroom, (both positive and negative) and fill one out for each child for both the morning and afternoon. They are sent home nightly and expected to be returned the next day. Of course, many of my students have little to no parental supervision, but the looming threat of nightly phone calls keeps most of the parent logs coming back in.

Just to be fair, all of this love of learning doesn't come without a price... my prize bin has been something that I find very difficult to keep stocked with fun yet inexpensive prizes. Then, being me, I always try to make the prizes at least in some way educational. The way I see it thoigh, is that if the least of my concerns is that I have to spend a few extra bucks each week to fill my prize bin, then I guess I'm doing okay.

Things have been looking up again, and I hope that this stays for at least a little while. In the meantime, I am trying to take this time to determine what I am going to do with the next year of my life. I am at a crossroads, and I have learned that I probably can still apply and take classes to become permanently certified as a special education teacher. This would mean that I need to be committed to teaching again next year, and I'm not sure if that's what I want for myself.

More to come....

Bi-Polar

All of my students have the disability entitled "emotionally disturbed." Most carry another label as well. Sometimes this is "OHI" (other health impairment), sometimes it is "ADD" or "ADHD”, the sort of things you would expect to see for the variety of strange behaviors you can observe in a classroom such as mine. About three fourths of my students had fetal alcohol syndrome, and about half of those students were born addicted to another substance as well. Half of my students carry the title "bi-polar" somewhere in their IEP. This also happens to be the title that best describes my classroom right now. Somehow I fear that my job is promoting this title for me as well.

I must be taking on some of the emotions that my students go through on a daily basis. As much as my students can’t decide if it is more beneficial to make good choices or to make bad ones, I can’t decide if teaching is rewarding or simply degrading.

Yesterday I hated my job. Absolutely and utterly I hated every part of being in that school and in that classroom. I wanted more than anything to be taken away to some other world where Newark didn’t exist and kids didn’t talk and people just… well, I didn’t get that far into the scenario because the important part about my daydream was that I wasn’t a teacher and I didn’t have to hate everything.

Today I was my students’ biggest advocate and I remembered why I decided to be a teacher in the first place. I got cocky and defensive when my students were assigned a new counselor that hadn’t the first clue of how to interact with BD kids. She said to me, “so what should I do?” when she walked in, and then suggested “less structure, right?” I scoffed, and I thought I might pull my hair out of my own head just to have to deal with her. I realized that I am in that classroom for a reason. I even found myself in the office begging them not to send me to a workshop tomorrow because I need to be in that classroom with my kids.

This is the point when I start recognizing my own bi-polar tendencies because I know that tomorrow I can guarantee that I will be happy to be away from the school, and Thursday I am about 90% positive that I will be miserable to have to return to my classroom.

I am beginning to think that “Bi-polar” is a classification that must be over-used, while simultaneously all too accurate for a BD classroom, and it’s teacher.

This is what it feels like to fall...

4 of my 7 student are suspended. 1 was hospitalized. Bad Wolves are falling apart.

Wednesday of last week both Jerry and Ricky were suspended for bullying issues. It was a long time coming, and I guess the stack of incident reports just got so high that they decided it was finally time to do something about it. I don't want to get too far off track by complaining about my administration and their lax policies, but as I’m sure most of you can imagine, the office doesn’t want to deal with negative behaviors any more than the teachers want to deal with a bunch of BS paperwork.

It just so happens that Wednesday was also the day my cell phone was stolen off my desk in my classroom. The student whom we suspect took the phone also cleared his parents phone numbers from my aide's cell phone-- leading me to believe that he took mine to delete the phone numbers, with intentions to return it-- but never got the chance to give it back because on the way back from the restroom he was scooted down to the office and then suspended-- but again, for the sake of not going on too much about things I could ramble about all day, I won't go into detail about the overwhelming disappointment I felt when I learned that one of MY students stole my phone.

Thursday Ricky showed up to school even though he was suspended. They held him in the office for the first half-hour of the day, and then sent him up to class with a pass. As soon as he got in the room he body slammed Tay for "telling" on him and saying that he felt bullied. As you can imagine, this was not an easy day for us, and Ricky took free reign in the classroom, claiming every time he did something he new was a bad decision “I can do whatever I want. I don’t even have to be here. I’m suspended, remember?”

Friday Ricky showed up again. They didn't even try to hold him in the office-- they just sent him up… apparently they had things to deal with in the office- as if I come to school to baby-sit, and not teach. Then all hell broke loose in the classroom. All of my students were frustrated, and I think that they saw Ricky's defiance as reassurance that they could get away with anything they wanted.

Friday was hell. I couldn't get a word in... when I went to speak they screamed over me. When I went to write on the chalkboard they would run out of the classroom, claiming that they didn’t have to work. When I tried to do anything at all they did everything in their power to prevent it, and they wouldn’t even let me show them what I was trying to do. It wasn’t even that they didn’t want to learn. Sometimes they don’t want to hear what I have to say, but if information gets in, they are okay with that, and they walk away with something. On Friday, they wouldn’t even allow that to happen. They wouldn’t allow information to even seep in, because they wouldn’t let it get out of me at all. At one point I stopped talking all together. I almost lost my mind on Friday.

Then the principal suspended Jay and Ray. She didn't want to deal with it anymore either.

After school on Friday I had my big breakdown. It was my big moment of "I can't do this", "I'm a failure" and "I don't know how." That's when the night custodian walked in on me. I was beat-red and crying like an infant. He didn't say much, but I asked him to help me re-arrange my room. I figured if something was going to change, everything was going to have to change.

Today when I got to school Jay was there, even though he was supposed to be suspended. I think that he was just testing to see if he could get away with what Ricky got away with. It would've worked too, because when I told the office that he was there, they started to send him upstairs. Then he made the mistake of laughing and calling the principal a b*tch under his breath. They kept him in the office the rest of the day.

That incident left me with 3 students. Then Tally had his big moment. He went completely out of control and started threatening to take his own life. He went so far as to try to throw himself off the railing on the 4th floor stairwell. (This is another point in my rant in which I could go on for days, because this is not the first such incident this year with Tally, but again, this entry has too much already, and I’ll try to address the suicidal tendencies of some of my students in another rant another time.) We had to send Tally to the hospital. That is the first time this year that I've had to send a kid out for crisis treatment at the hospital. Last year I had police and ambulances quite a bit, but this was a first for the Bad Wolves. That incident left me with 2 students. The 3 of us had a good day and got all of our work done, but somehow I still have a hard time seeing today as any sort of success.

The room change is good I think. It's a start. They seemed a little taken aback when they saw it, they didn't know what to do-- it's like they froze in the doorway. Then they settled in. I think they know that it is time for some change in the classroom. I am going to introduce a new behavior mod. chart when they all start returning from their suspensions. I am doing everything I can think of to get things back in order. I am going to be cold for a little while towards them. I am not the type of teacher that believes that you can be unemotional to kids that NEED you emotionally... but I think that for a while I am going to have to try to be a warden and hold back all the emotions I want them to share and to see.

Ahhhh!
This week is going to be good. It has to be. They will start coming back slowly and the students that I have now will be accustomed to the new way the class runs, and then those that come into the class will either go along with the behaviors or I will have to send them out. I hate taking this attitude towards teaching, but things NEED to change. When we returned from winter break things didn't fall back into place the way they were before break, and now is my chance to pick up where we were and get Bad Wolves spirit in the classroom again. I have hope-- it's just that I have to keep convincing myself that it's there.

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Usually I try to be more composed than this....

Today was a bad day for us... but that's the name of the game, right? It doesn't happen so often that ALL my students are off, but today was that day. I feel like I didn't handle it very well-- somehow today I didn't know how to deal with a bunch of 6th graders cursing me out and yelling at me. Usually I am tactful, and i know what to say and do-- but almost in the same way that they seemed to forget all of our rules and procedures, I forgot what to do when Tay started yelling at me and calling me a b*tch.

I think that part of my struggle with remembering what to do, and how to handle intense BD day with my kids is that I am very stressed about work in general. I have finally come to the idea that I kind of like my job, and I have known for some time that I love my kids. A couple months ago I found out that I may no longer be working in my position for much longer. I don't think that I have had the oportunity to rant about this yet online, mostly because of the frustration I feel when I think about it, but starting Feb. I may not be able to teach in my classroom anymore due to certification issues. This seems to have been some sort of oversight through Teach for America, the school district, and myself, but what it leads to is the fact that I do not have a certificate to teach Special Ed... even though all the before mentioned parties thought that I was set through the end of the school year at least. As it turns out, the only certification I hold is good for life, but only for K-5. I teach special ed. 4-6... apparantly 2 big no-no's.

The idea that they might pull me out of that classroom only to replace me with a substitute shakes me to the core, and infuriates me to think that so much of the public education system obviously has very little to do with the children, because anyone in my school could tell you that the worst thing you could possibly do to my kids is take their teacher away and give them someone that isn't certified to teach anything... but apparantly that is out of our hands because from this point on everything is federally mandated by "No Child Left Behind".

Okay, before I get to far into this I feel that I should stop my rant (I don't want to be upset for the rest of the night), but basically, it is getting close to the wire for me, and I am worried because no one seems to know what to do to help make sure that I don't have to leave my kids behind.

*cough*cough*

I haven't posted in a while for a number of reasons, mostly the fact that my personal life as well as my school life have been a tilt-a-whirl of ups and downs, and as it turns out, the tilt-a-whirl makes me nauseous, and if you know me at all, you know that I don't puke unless my life depends on it. Yesterday my life depended on it. Today I just feel sick again- I guess that's a step in the right direction.

Today was our first day back to school after the holiday break. I was elated to be going back (even in this coughing condition) because as much as school is chaos for me, I was longing for the thing that I know my kids need the most- routine. My life at home and on break has been so crazy that I needed the chance to get back into something that I can trust. I needed a break from the break essentially. This is a crazy phenomenon; I am not the type of person that generally relies on routine. In fact, I think that one of the hardest parts of teaching for me was that I had to become a structured person.

The thing is, I know what happens each day when I get to school. When I go into the auditorium at 8:20am I can count on only 2 of my students being there, because the other busses run late everyday. I know that this will frustrate me, and I will go through all the things that my kids could be learning in the 25 min that they are missing each morning. I know that when I get to the cafeteria with my students to pick up the breakfast, my 2 will fight for just a moment over who's turn it is to carry the bin upstairs. I know that the first thing Jerry will do when we get upstairs is tell me that the homework was too easy (even if he got half of it wrong), and Tally will try to think of a believable excuse for why he didn't do his at all. He knows that this will frustrate me, so he will then try to make me laugh, hoping I will go easier on him. He also knows that I will not buy his excuses, and I will not go easier on him and for this I think he loves and hates me simultaneously. I can expect that when the busses arrive, just as the morning announcements commence, the rest of my students will be arriving, hungry. Tay will stand out in the hall for a while and watch us, she seems to need a minute to prepare herself to enter the room, and I understand that, so I let her stand for a minute before saying good morning and drawing her into the classroom. I know that when I ask them to pass out the math message notebooks I will here numerous grunts and a few verbal complaints, but I also know that if I don’t get the math message up right away, someone will ask, “well, what about math, should I pass out the notebooks?” This is exactly what I needed today.

They missed me too, and I needed that. I was visibly ill, so all through the day they asked things like, “are you going to be here tomorrow?” and “why did you come to school today?” To this, I told Tally, “because I missed you so much I couldn’t bear to be away from you another day.” He laughed, “yeah right.” “What, you didn’t miss me?” I asked. “I missed you,” Jerry replied, and then quickly covered his self, “I mean, not really, I mean…” Ricky jumped in quickly, “Whatever man, I didn’t miss her at all. I didn’t even think about her… well I didn’t think about her until Monday…” and then he scratched his head and looked back at his paper.

Being sick sucks, and sometimes life does too, and often teaching really sucks, but it’s days like today, when even if things aren’t perfect, and your lessons don’t go as planned, and your kids have unthinkable behavior, and every last inch of your body hurts from having to stand in front of the toughest crowd in the world and pretend to be strong, I am thankful for being a teacher.

I will try my best to post again soon, because there are all sorts of shocking updates, and I have been reprimanded by my sister to keep up to date with my blog, but for tonight, all I can do is wish the best for the New Year.