Discouraged...

okay, I know I said good days, but ever since that post I have been holding out to write anything hoping that I was right, and that things were going to go as well as I had promised myself... but despite my best efforts, things aren't going well.

I have come to a point where I have almost certainly resigned myself to not teaching again next year. I am on board and committed to my students through the end of the year, but in the past few days I have decided that I am comprimising my mental health for my job, and while that can be maintained for the 2 year commitment that I signed up for when I took the position, I am not sure that I will be able to remain sane for a whole new year. I have tried everything that I know to do, taken reccomendations, changed everything I know how. I have even takedn a second job, which is the complete opposite of teaching, and while this occupies more of the time that I don't have, it also keeps my mind fresh and renewed from allowing myself to think about things that are not at all related to teaching. Still, being a 2nd year BD teacher is weighing down on me.

I don't mean to be discouraging, but I just feel that teaching has gotten to a point for me where I feel that I can't actaully impact the lives of my students in the ways that I need to in order to make a difference. By all of this, I do not mean to say that "giving up on teaching" is in any means an answer... but by the same recourse, I also cannot give up on my sanity before finding a job that will suite both me and the population that I serve.

Now I feel as though this is getting to be too deep of an entry for my mindset tonight, but for all of you out there, if you have words of wisdom, I am asking for them now. I need to ensure that I will at the very least make it through the school year.

No, I'm not in 8th grade

I was mistake for an 8th grader yesterday. I was in the girls bathroom on a middle school Newark Public Schools field trip to the Skating rink, when I was asked by a 6th grader, "what school do you go to?" A little befuddled, and thinking that I surely misheard her, I responded, when she said, "oh, I think I know you, you're in 8th grade, right?"

"No, actually, I'm a teacher."

Roller skating was fun, a good use of one of the last days of school. I am getting anxious for tomorrow to come and go-- I have so much to get done before then... There are a million things that have to be complete and my students are just so off the wall and crazy right now that it seems impossible to get anything accomplished! I am so frustrated with my aide that I think that we would get more work don't if we weren't working in the same room with one another, even though all of the work is in one classroom. She is driving me crazy, and she has all year, and rumor has it she is being placed with me again next year-- yikes!

Well, here's to the last day of school... The last day of my first year teaching... The last of a lot... But more importantly, here's to the first day of summer!

One strand at a time...

I hit a car yesterday. I was driving to alternate route, and there was a big SUV in front of me stopped at the stop-sign and I hit it. I don't know what I was thinking... I don't know how I let it happen, but I hit a car. The lady was pissed at first, "what the hell?" she yelled at me. I just threw up my arms, defenseless, "I'm really sorry," I replied, and she got back in her car and drove away. Her SUV didn't look damaged anyway-- my car looks like a wreck though.

I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. My students have been out of control, and I don't think I have the energy to deal with a 10-year-old calling me a bitch again.

My dog is being really awful. He is cheewing on everything, and he is mad at me because I wasn't here friday night. Last night he ate my glasses while I was sleeping. It will be exciting to have to spend money to get new ones.

My house is a disaster, I want to try to clean it before Ryan gets here... I haven't done dishes at least a month.

I think i will go pull my hair out of my head one strand at a time.

I am NOT a mom.

I get called a lot of things... and I am a lot of things. One thing I am not... A mom.
In the past few weeks I have been called "mom" on 3 seperate occasions.

Time #1:
Jerry: "But mom! I don't want to get off the computer!"
Me: "Hunh?" (with startled and confused look on face)
Jerry: "Oh Geez Ms. G- I'm sorry, I'm just so used to talking to my mom..."

Time #2:
Ray: "MOM! I need help!"
Me: "Hunh?" (with startled and confused look on face)
Ray: "Weird, did I just call you mom? haha."

Time #3:
Tyler: "NO! I am not doing this mom! This is too much work, I AM NOT DOING THIS!"
Me: "I am NOT your mother"
Tyler: "God!! It was a mistake, OKAY?? I am not F***ing doing this S***"

I am not a mom. It's strange how scary it can be to have kids call you "mom"- and for Tyler... I didn't mean to say it like that (it's how my stepfather would say it when I would yell through the house looking for MY mom), but still, I'm no mom.